


Apple Juice and Nic Cage

by skys



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2015-01-24
Packaged: 2018-03-04 11:03:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3065450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skys/pseuds/skys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave has been questioning a lot of things lately, and right in the middle of it all is his best bro.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dave: Pester John.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:35 -- 

TG: yo, egghead  
TG: you there  
TG: i know youre probably fuck deep in all kinds of busy but please lend me a moment of your precious time and spare me the questions  
TG: i want to talk to you  
TG: egbert oh my god if you dont answer this in like five seconds i am going to time jump my way over to your exact location and beat the nic cage out of you  
TG: dont make me do it  
TG: i will  
TG: three seconds left egdork  
TG: two  
TG: one  
TG: ...  
TG: well fuck you too

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:05 -- 

  


\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering tentacleTherapist[TT] at 12:06 -- 

TG: hey lalonde you got any info on where the egderp is?   
TG: not that im concerned or something i just want to know if hes fucked something up   
TG: like i said though, not concerned for him   
TG: just wondering   
TT: You know, Dave, John is more than capable in handling himself without your constant pestering. It is very probable that he has busied himself with something concerning the welfare of our session, don't you think?   
TG: uh  
TG: are you trying to imply that eggderp could actually be doing something legitimately helpful instead of getting himself stabbed by every enemy known, and unknown, to mankind?   
TG: because that's why i feel like youre hinting at   
TG: and if youre hinting at that then im pretty sure you just admitted to feeling confident in johns abilities   
TT: Well, perhaps I do. Perhaps I have faith in our leader's capabilities in handling situations on his own, without an overly protective knightly boyfriend biting at his neck whenever he does something wrong.   
TG: rose no   
TG: i dont care about your sick fantasies about john and i sticking our dicks up one another in a "brotherly fashion" whilst dressed up like harry potter and ronald weasley   
TG: i just want to know where my bro is   
TT: Fine. If that is all you want to know, then I will confess that he is currently exploring his land. He'll most likely be unavailable for a while.   
TT: Why is it that you find yourself in such a desperate cling to the hope of finding him? Is there something you would like to say to him?  
TG: yeah i want to confess my wizardly love to him after years of jerking off together to pictures of voldemort  
TG: the time has come rose  
TG: today is the day john finds out that im totally fucking wizard-homo for him  
TT: I can't tell if this is a dose of your irony or if you are actually being completely serious about this proposition.  
TG: what would ever give you the idea i was being ironic?   
TG: psh   
TT: I have come to the conclusion that you do not mean to confess to John today, is that correct?   
TG: yup   
TG: no wait theres just one thing wrong   
TT: Pray, tell me what it is I misjudged.  
TG: im not gay  
TG: dont swing that way  
TG: i am like motherfucking tarzan up in this bitch, dodging all the trees that have gay written all over them  
TG: im fucking indiana jones and im running the fuck away like a god damn hero from the giant boulder that is the biggest fucking metaphor of homosexuality there ever was  
TG: there was never a more straight dude  
TG: im straight enough that the guy who invented the word straight and its multiple meanings is questioning his sexuality  
TT: Dave.  
TG: im so fucking straight that the moment i looked at the leaning tower of pisa it fixed itself   
TT: Dave.  
TG: im so straight that people started thinking the world was flat because of my amazing hetero sexuality   
TT: DAVE.  
TG: yeah?   
TT: Denial is the first stage of eventual acceptance.   
TG: ...   
TT: Admit it.  
TG: no   
TT: Dave, just -   
TG: fuck off rose   
TG: i didnt come here for a fucking intervention   
TG: i just wanted to see if my bro was ok   
TT: Dave, I apologize. I did not intend to pressure you into any acceptance they may already be threatening your mental thoughts currently.  
TG: just...   
TG: leave me alone   
TT: Dave...  
TG: no, i dont need this shit right now   
TG: if you talk to john tell him ive been looking for him   
TT: Dave, one last thing, I -   


\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 12:19 -- 

TT: ...  
TT: I'm sorry.  



	2. Karkat: Answer your friend.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG]  began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:49 -- 

GG: john?   
GG: john i don't know if you can see this right now but please respond!!  
GG: john please...   
GG: john, dave is freaking out and rose isn't talking!! are you okay???   
GG: i don't know, john...   
GG: i guess i'm just trying to say that i'm really worried about you.   
GG: we all are.   
GG: ...  
GG: please message us soon.   
GG: .....   
GG: i'm going to go now, okay????   
GG: please respond soon.....   
GG: bye..   


\-- gardenGnostic [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:59 -- 

  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 13:01 -- 

EB: karkat!   
EB: karkat, dude, i know you're there!! i need some serious bro-to-bro help!   
CG: OH REALLY? WELL, ISN'T THAT JUST NEWS TO ME! IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN PESTERING THE FUCK OUT OF MY ASS EVER SINCE THIS "PROBLEM" OF YOURS ERUPTED! SO, "BRO", WHAT IS THIS NEW ISSUE THAT YOU SEEM TO BE INCAPABLE OF HANDLING ON YOUR OWN? DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY STUB YOUR FUCKING TOE? OR, NO WAIT! LET ME GUESS! HAVE YOU BY ANY CHANCE CHIPPED A NAIL? OOH, THE HORROR! I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY SYMPATHETIC TOWARDS YOU NOW, JOHN! THE SUFFERING YOU MUST HAVE GONE THROUGH!   
EB: karkat, no, that's just stupid!   
EB: if i had chipped my nail or something i would have gone to rose for help! i'm sure girls know all about that stuff.   
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOG, EGBERT. YOU ARE SUCH A LOST CAUSE, EVEN TROLL SHERLOCK HOLMES HAS GIVEN UP LOOKING FOR YOU. YOU HAVE LITERALLY LEFT THE SOLAR SYSTEM OF "NORMAL" AND FLOATED OFF INTO THE SKIES WHERE NOTHING SENSIBLE OR UNDERSTANDABLE CAN TOUCH YOU.   
EB: aw, thanks, karkat!   
CG: ...   
EB: but i'm not here to talk about how special i am! i need serious help...   
CG: PLEASE, JOHN, FILL ME INTO WHATEVER IT IS THAT TROUBLES YOUR THINKPAN. HOW CAN I BE OF ASSISTANCE TO MY BEST AND SMARTEST FRIEND?   
EB: well, when you ask so nicely...   
EB: it's about... you know...   
EB: the... the thing..?   
CG: PARDON MY LACK OF KNOWLEDGE COMPARED TO YOUR SUPERIOR RACE, DEAR JOHN, BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?   
EB: oh, you know karkat!   
EB: the thing! with...   
EB: the thing with the person!   
EB: don't you remember?   
CG: OH, NO, I AM NOT QUESTIONING THE FACT OF WHETHER OR NOT I CAN REMEMBER SAID "THING".   
CG: ACTUALLY, IF THERE'S ONE THING I AM QUESTIONING, IT'S MY SANITY IN CHOOSING COMPANIONS SUCH AS YOU TO SO CALLED "ASSIST ME" THROUGHOUT THE GAME.   
EB: so you remember then?   
CG: NO, I DON'T, YOU FUCKASS. JUST SPIT IT OUT.   
EB: fine!  
EB: but you could've just said you didn't remember in the first place, instead of beating around the bush.   
CG: EGBERT, I CAN CONFIRM TO YOU THAT THERE WAS NO BEATING OF ANY BUSHES WHATSOEVER ON THIS DAY. NO FLORA WAS HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POORLY CONSTRUCTED CONVERSATION.   
CG: NOW, PLEASE INFORM ME AS TO WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE BEFORE I LITERALLY GET UP AND JUST FUCKING LEAVE, WOULD YOU?   
EB: alright, alright!   
EB: stop being so pushy...   
CG: JUST.   
CG: TELL.   
CG: ME.   
EB: dave.   
CG: EXCUSE ME?   
EB: it's about dave, you dope. you know...   
EB: my... feelings and stuff..?   
CG: OH...   
CG: OH, YEAH.   
EB: now do you remember?   
CG: YES, I DO.   
CG: YOU ARE FLUSHED FOR THE RED HUMAN.   
EB: karkat!!!   
CG: WHAT?   
EB: you can't just...   
CG: CAN'T JUST WHAT? SAY IT OUT LOUD?   
CG: SAY HOW UTTERLY INFATUATED YOU ARE WITH THE RED ASSHOLE WHO INSISTS ON RUINING AND DEPRIVING ME OF EVERY ASPECT OF HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE?   
EB: woah, karkat!   
CG: WHAT NOW?   
EB: you can feel happy?   
CG: OH FUCK OFF, YOU GOG DAMN BULGELICKER.   
CG: JUST GET TO THE FUCKING POINT. WHY HAVE YOU, FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, INSISTED ON PESTERING ME ABOUT YOUR EXTREMELY BORING AND VERY MEDIOCRE LOVE LIFE?   
EB: jade wants to talk to me now.  
CG: SO?   
EB: she said that dave is freaking out and rose isn't talking...   
CG: YEAH, THAT'S KIND OF TO BE EXPECTED WHEN THEIR FRIEND-LEADER-WHATEVER SUDDENLY DECIDED TO DISAPPEAR OFF THE FACE OF THE FUCKING UNIVERSE.   
EB: well what did you expect me to do? stay?!   
CG: YES, I FUCKING EXPECTED YOU TO STAY. I EXPECTED YOU TO STAND AND FACE YOUR FEELINGS LIKE A FUCKING MAN. BUT APPARENTLY, THAT IS TOO HARD FOR YOU TO COMPREHEND.  
EB: hey! karkat, i'm a man!   
CG: YOU RAN AWAY THE MOMENT YOU STARTED QUESTIONING YOUR FUCKED UP HUMAN SEXUALITY.   
CG: TAVROS COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT.   
EB: shut up! what else could i have done?   
CG: TALKED TO HIM. YOU COULD HAVE STAYED AND WORKED OUT YOUR WEIRD, FLUSHED FEELINGS WITH HIM. BUT INSTEAD YOU JUST FUCKING GOT UP AND RAN LIKE THE IDIOT YOU ARE.   
EB: karkat, if this is supposed to be a motivational speech or something, i'm not feeling it.   
CG: THIS IS NOT A MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH. THIS IS A FUCKING INTERVENTION, YOU GOG DAMN SLIMY PIECE OF BARKBEAST SHIT. THANKS TO YOU, YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING TEAM IS FALLING APART, ALL BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID RED FEELINGS YOU HAVE FOR A GUY OF THE SAME GENDER. WHAT THE FUCK, EGBERT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING HERO.   
EB: karkat...   
EB: do you not think i'm a hero?   
CG: NO.   
EB: but, karkat, i -   
CG: NO MEANS NO, JOHN.   
CG: A REAL HERO DOES SOMETHING HEROIC TO EARN HIS TITLE.   
EB: i'm leading the team that is working to save the universe!   
EB: how is that not heroic?!   
CG: YOU'RE ALSO RUNNING AWAY FROM THE ONE REAL PROBLEM THAT YOU'VE HAD TO FACE. FUCK IMPS, OR ECHELADDERS, FACE IT: THIS IS YOUR FIRST REAL ISSUE. AND HERE YOU ARE, COWERING BEHIND ME LIKE SOME FUCKING MEOWBEAST.   
EB: ...   
CG: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, JOHN, AND UNTIL THEN, DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME. I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN HOLD YOUR HAND AND PRETEND TO BE YOUR LUSUS. THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. FIX IT, HERO.   


\-- carcinoGeneticist[CG]  ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 13:37 -- 


	3. John: Pester Dave.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 13:48 -- 

EB: dave?   
EB: ...  
EB: it's me, john...  
EB: are you there?  
EB: ....  
EB: i guess i would understand if you're giving me the silent treatment.  
EB: i mean, i've kind of been a major dicknugget lately.  
EB: not that i haven't been a dicknugget before, but this time i was a REALLY big one.  
EB: like a dickburger.  
EB: ew, okay, sorry about that. you probably don't want those weird images in your head.  
EB: my point is that...  
EB: well...  
EB: i'm really sorry, dave.  
EB: ...  
EB: you're probably really angry at me, and i totally understand if you are, but...  
EB: i mean...  
EB: i miss you.  
EB: and rose, and jade, but you know...   
EB: i especially miss you.  
EB: ...  
EB: you probably don't want to hear from me...  
EB: so...  
EB: i'm gonna go. i'll leave the "talking to myself" thing for karkat.  
EB: but one more thing!  
EB: please... don't be mad.  
EB: i mean, obviously you're going to be mad! i've been away for days! but...  
EB: just...  
EB: i'm gonna go now. you can message me whenever you want.  
EB: or not.  
EB: ...  
EB: i'm sorry, dave.  
EB: i'm so, so sorry.  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:02 -- 


	4. Dave: Freak the fuck out.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 14:06 -- 

TG: jade  
TG: jade are you there?  
TG: jade i need your superpowers of happiness and sensibility right now  
TG: earth to jade, dave calling  
TG: yo harley did you pass out again?  
GG: whoops! sorry about that dave!!   
TG: nah thats fine  
TG: not like i was busy having a miniature breakdown or anything   
GG: woah, dave? the coolest person i know?? having a breakdown???   
GG: this must be serious!! :o  
TG: it is   
TG: its about john   
GG: ...what about him?? :/   
TG: he messaged me   
GG: woah!!! he messaged you??? :D   
TG: yeah   
GG: whatd he say?!   
TG: well...  
TG: he told me how sorry he was and shit   
TG: actually, he got really sentimental  
TG: though he started talking about dicks and burgers at one point so that kinda ruined the mood   
GG: oh   
GG: well at least we know its john!! :P   
TG: yeah   
GG: so whatd you say??   
TG: thats my problem   
GG: ?   
TG: jade, i...   
TG: i didnt say anything   
GG: ...   
GG: please tell me youre joking   
TG: although i am the king of irony, i kid you not   
TG: i froze like a deer in the headlights   
TG: i mean i dont even know what the fuck i was doing   
TG: i just kinda stopped everything and just started reading what he was saying   
GG: dave...   
TG: i know im fucking stupid you dont have to point that out   
GG: alright  
GG: but thats not what i was going to say   
TG: what is it then?   
GG: well...   
TG: oh come on, dont be all secretive about this   
TG: thereve been enough secrets floating around as it is   
TG: just tell me   
GG: okay, okay! :/  
GG: do you think your... reaction... has anything to do with...   
TG: with what?   
GG: with...   
TG: what the hell are you waiting for? a drumroll? sorry, harley, i cant supply you with one, so youre gonna have to just tell me   
GG: fine! its just that i know how uncomfortable this makes you...   
TG: ?   
TG: are we gonna start talking about periods or something?   
TG: jade i can promise you im not on my period nor will i ever be   
GG: dave, im trying to be serious!! :c   
TG: so am i!   
TG: but apparently its so fucking hard for you to tell me that i have to pass the time with shitty jokes!   
GG: do you think that your reaction has to do with what rose was talking to you about earlier?   
TG: .....   
GG: you know...   
GG: you... like-liking john..?   
TG: ...  
TG: you know im really getting tired this shit   
TG: how many fucking times do i have to say that im not gay for it to get into your heads?   
TG: im   
TG: not   
TG: gay   
GG: i know, i know!!! youve told me already!!   
TG: then why the fuck do you keep bringing it up?   
GG: well, its just that its pretty damn noticeable, dave   
GG: i mean, the way youre always way too overprotective of him   
GG: if hes been gone for little over an hour youre practically beside yourself  
GG: next is you always talk about him with us  
GG: its never "hey jade howve you been" its always just "guess what john told me" or "did you hear from john"  
GG: and of course theres the fact that every time we mention the term 'gay' you flip out  
GG: "im not gay" is always what you say  
GG: well have you ever even considered it??  
GG: i mean, im sorry for being so pushy and stuff, i just seem to see that youre always...  
GG: i dont know, always thinking about him  
GG: ....  
GG: dave are you even there?  
GG: .....  
GG: oh my god you left didnt you??? :(  
GG: well, listen, "cool kid": i know that you think theres no way in hell that youre even slightly 'gay', but just... havent you even entertained the thought?  
GG: and i know its none of my bussiness, bla bla bla, but...  
GG: if rose and i can see it, why cant you??? :/  
GG: im gonna go now, but thats just some food for thought  
GG: also, you had better respond to john!! youre probably worrying him  
GG: bye, dave  
GG: message me back when youve built up the courage to do so  


\-- gardenGnostic[GG]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:39-- 


	5. Karkat: Give some friendly advice to your friend.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG]  began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:30 -- 

CG: JUST FUCKING TELL HIM.   


\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG]  ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:30 -- 


	6. John: Answer your best bro.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:51 -- 

TG: sup   
EB: dave!   
EB: you responded!   
EB: i mean, not that i doubted if you would ever respond, but i thought you were giving me the silent treatment and that you didn't want to talk to me for like... for a while, i guess.   
TG: nah   
TG: im not an angsty teenaged girl, john   
EB: heh, i guess not.   
EB: but i'm still surprised you messaged me back so quickly!   
TG: its been an hour   
TG: do you consider an hour quick?   
EB: no, but you're the knight of time! an hour could mean a second or a decade to you, right?   
TG: fair enough   
TG: but no, i havent gotten into any time shenanigans lately   
TG: i figure that ive fucked up enough as it stands  
EB: aw, i'm sure you haven't fucked up!   
TG: no, john, ive fucked up   
TG: ive fucked up so hard that i consider myself completely fucked   
TG: the goddamn universe of fuckery has turned its back on me and is shaking its head like "wow, this kid done goofed"   
EB: what happened, if you don't mind me asking?   
TG: ...   
TG: i guess ive just been running away from a lot of shit lately and...  
TG: because of that i was kinda rude to my friends... so now im questioning a lot of shit   
TG: and right in the middle of it is you, john   
TG: my best bro   
EB: me?   
EB: what did i do?  
EB: is this because of me running away?  
EB: i'm sorry, dave! i didn't realize it would cause so many problems!  
TG: nah, bro, its not your fault   
TG: i dont blame you  
EB: oh...  
TG: ok, though, i do admit that you scooting off like that did kinda complicate things   
EB: i'm sorry!  
TG: bro, stop apologizing  
EB: how can i? i ran off like a stupid coward, and my entire team broke apart because of it!  
EB: if i hadn't done that, then maybe things would be the same as they used to be.  
EB: maybe you wouldn't be all confused!  
EB: maybe rose would speak!  
EB: maybe jade would...  
EB: wait did jade even change at all in the process?  
TG: i dont know man   
TG: but it doesnt matter. this is a pretty awesome speech youre giving, keep it up   
EB: oh, ok!  
EB: my point is, though, that if i hadn't been so frightened of my own thoughts and emotions, then maybe things would be different.  
EB: do you understand what i'm getting at here?  
TG: yeah, bro  
EB: oh, good  
TG: just one question, though   
EB: what is it?  
TG: where the fuck were you?   
TG: like, no joke, rose couldnt see you and we couldnt contact you  
TG: what the hell were you doing?  
EB: oh, i was just down exploring my land. i didn't use pesterchum at all, other than to talk to karkat.  
TG: you talked with karkat?  
EB: yeah! you know karkat, right?  
TG: of course i do, john. but why didnt you talk to anyone else but him?   
EB: what d'you mean?  
TG: you said you ran away to get away from everything   
TG: is karkat your only exception?   
EB: uh...  
EB: well, he kind of helped me out with some stuff.  
TG: what kind of stuff?  
EB: heh, uh...  
TG: egghead, youve kept enough secrets from me as it is. just fuckin spill the goddamn beans   
EB: fine, fine!  
EB: he helped me out with some feelings.  
TG: ...wow  
EB: what?  
TG: now youre the one whos sounding like an angsty teenaged girl  
EB: shut up, dave!  
EB: you wouldnt get it, anyway.  
TG: aw, cmon eggderp. i was only kidding  
TG: tell me about these feelings of yours   
EB: dude, no!  
TG: bro, im all ears   
TG: i wont tell a soul   
TG: or a troll   
TG: or a consort  
TG: or a - you know what, you get it   
TG: i wont tell anyone   
EB: ...  
EB: i don't know man...  
EB: you'll probably think i'm really weird...  
TG: dude, were playing a game where little red crocodiles will try to cook you up in a pot   
TG: you think that im not accustomed to weirdness by now?   
EB: fair enough.  
EB: but you have to promise not to tell anyone!  
TG: i already did, jackass   
EB: oh yeah... nevermind.  
TG: just tell me   
EB: ok, uh...  
EB: dave, i think i might be...  
EB: i might be, uh...  
TG: a vampire  
EB: shut up, dave! i'm trying to tell you!  
TG: couldve fooled me   
EB: fine, if you're so desperate to know, here it is!  
EB: i think i might be in love with someone!  
EB: dave?  
EB: dave, you there?  
EB: dude, hellooo? did you pass out or something?  
TG: sorry, what did you just say?   
TG: did you just say youre in love with someone?   
EB: uh...  
EB: yeah. yeah i did.  
TG: who?  
EB: bro, you cant just ask that!  
TG: why not? i wanna know  
EB: i'm not telling you.  
TG: oh come on, eggderp. who is it? that terezi chick who almost killed you?   
EB: what?  
EB: no!  
EB: dude, gross, she's a troll!  
EB: that would be like... interspecies or something.  
EB: isn't that against the law?  
TG: it was. but, you know, earth was kinda obliterated a long with its police force   
EB: oh, yeah  
EB: forgot about that  
EB: but no, not her  
TG: wait   
TG: wait a minute   
TG: is it...   
TG: is it rose?   
EB: dave!  
TG: what? its totally probable   
EB: it totally is not!  
EB: i mean, not that i don't like her.  
EB: she's all pretty and smart and stuff...  
EB: but...  
EB: i don't know, man. i told you that you wouldn't get it.  
TG: if you told me then i would  
EB: if i told you then you'd run away faster than rose does from her mother's wizard statues.  
EB: trust me, you wouldn't be happy.  
TG: oh come on, egderp   
TG: try me   
EB: just drop it, dave.  
TG: nah  
EB: i'd much rather you did.  
TG: dude, im your best bro   
TG: im pretty sure i deserve to know who youve fallen for   
EB: ...  
EB: that's all i am, though, isn't it?  
TG: ok what?   
EB: isn't it?  
TG: youve lost me   
EB: i'm your best bro.  
EB: i always have been, and i always will be.  
TG: john, are you okay man?   
EB: like, no offense, but youre kinda talking nonsense right now   
EB: yeah.  
EB: no.  
TG: dude, did you hit your head on your little escapades in the land of wind and shade?   
EB: i'm sorry, dave...  
EB: i...  
EB: i've got to go.  
TG: what?   
TG: dude, no!  
TG: im sorry about being so pushy. i promise ill back off, i -  
EB: no, dave.   
TG: ...   
EB: i've just got to go, okay?   
EB: i'm sorry.   
TG: ok   
TG: will i talk to you soon?  
EB: i don't know, maybe.   
TG: i dont know if thats reassuring or really goddamn worrying, but at least promise me that you... uh...   
TG: at least promise me that youll talk to me again   
EB: of course!   
TG: alright...   
EB: well...   
EB: bye, i guess...   
TG: bye, dude  
TG: love you  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:23 -- 


	7. Rose: Take matters into your own hands.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:44 -- 

TT: Alright, Strider, let me get this straight.  
TT: I understand that you may not want to speak with me, and frankly, that is totally acceptable. But I swear to God, if you do not cease being such an ignorant little shit, I will have to take matters into my own hands.  
TT: Over the past few years, as you are aware of, I have come to the conclusion that both you and John are completely and utterly "homo" for one another, whether or not you say "no homo" after demonstrating said acts that confirm to me that you are indeed into one another.  
TT: And yes, I did say "you and John".   
TT: Now, when I say this, I do not do so lightly. During each and every conversation with Egbert, if he does not utter the words "I am not a homosexual" throughout the exchange, it is considered strange and unheard of. So, if I am to tell you that he is into a boy (more specifically: you) then I am sure you are very surprised, if not you have gone into a state of shock. If you have partook in the second option, I still urge you to continue reading for the sake of your future relationship with said boy.  
TT: John is very homo for you.  
TT: That much has been made clear through the constant mentions of you in conversation, the questions he has participated in when wondering about sexuality, and of course: the claims of "not being a homosexual" after acting extremely homosexual.  
TT: As mentioned before, denial is the first stage to eventual acceptance.  
TT: So, I conclude that John is very gay (if not, bisexual), and that his first attraction to boys has been, and most likely will continue to be, you.  
TT: Now, the next question is how you feel in return.  
TT: As both Jade and I have found through continual conversations with you, we have found that you are, at least, bi. Honestly, Dave, hiding your sexuality can sometimes be one of the hardest things to do when you make it so undeniably obvious.   
TT: So, could it be that you feel the same towards Egbert?  
TT: Given that John is the nearest male in your vicinity that you constantly speak to, and that the only other option would be Karkat (a rude and grumpy troll that you have voiced your displeasure towards in multiple chat sessions), I would be willing to bet that you, indeed, do feel the same towards Egbert.  
TT: So, what do we do now that we have gotten past this point of acceptance?  
TT: Just.  
TT: Fucking.  
TT: Tell.  
TT: Him.  


\-- tentacleTherapist [TT]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:01 -- 


	8. John: Pester the fuck out of Karkat.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering carcinoGenetecist [CG] at 16:00 -- 

EB: karkat?  
EB: karkat i really need to talk to you right now...  
EB: i'm sorry for being such an immature baby, but i seriously need your help.  
EB: dave said he loved me.  
EB: i mean, he said it in a bro-platonic way, but he said it.  
EB: karkat, are you there?  
EB: i really need your advice...  
CG: hEy ThErE mOtHeRfUcKeR.  
EB: karkat?  
EB: is that you?  
CG: uH...  
CG: mAyBe?   
EB: what do you mean, maybe?  
EB: you're either karkat, or you're not.  
CG: wElL iM oN tHe KaRkAt AcCoUnT, sO dOeSnT tHaT mEaN iM kArBrO?  
EB: uh...  
EB: yeah, i don't think that's how that works.  
EB: who are you?  
CG: wHy Do YoU wAnT tO kNoW, MoThErFuCkEr?   
EB: uh...   
EB: because you're on karkat's account and you're not karkat?  
EB: isn't that a normal reaction to this kind of situation?  
CG: wElL i DoNt MoThErFuCkInG kNoW. i AiNt NeVeR mOtHeRfUcKiN bEeN iN tHaT sItUaTiOn BeFoRe.   
EB: uh... okay then...  
EB: do you want to put karkat on the line?  
EB: er, chat...  
CG: KaRbRo Is MoThErFuCkInG sLeEpInG bRo.  
CG: BuT iM hErE. yOu CaN aLwAyS mOtHeRfUcKiNg FiNd SoLaCe In My WoRdS oF mOtHeRfUcKiNg WiSdOm.   
EB: uh, yeah... i think i'll pass on that. sorry.  
CG: ThAtS fInE bRo.  
EB: i think i'm going to go now... uh... i never caught your name?  
CG: I cAn HeLp YoU cAtCh It If YoU wAnT.   
EB: you know what, never mind.  
EB: bye, stranger.  
CG: pEaCe OuT, BrO.  


\-- ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering carcinoGenetecist [CG] at 16:06 -- 


	9. Dave: Be John's get out of jail free card.

\-- turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:20 -- 

TG: howdy  
TG: shit that is the worst way to start any conversation  
TG: one second let me start over  
TG: sup  
TG: there  
TG: ok thats better  
TG: bro you there  
EB: oh! dave, i didn't get any notification that you had replied! sorry about that. :B  
TG: nah dont worry about it  
TG: its not like i was hanging on the edge of my seat sweating buckets in wait for a reply  
EB: ew. dave that's gross.  
TG: whats gross dude  
TG: dont tell me youve got something against buckets like the trolls  
TG: its like you mention that shit and they flip out like i just insulted their entire family tree  
TG: do trolls even have families  
TG: wait do trolls even have trees  
EB: dude, you are so weird.  
TG: nah  
TG: ive got no idea what youre talking about  
EB: ok, whatever dave. so why'd you message me?  
TG: i dont know man  
TG: does a bro have to have a reason to pester his best friend  
EB: well, during a life and death game of survival, you not just randomly popping up to chat about the weather would be really appreciated.  
TG: oh  
TG: i see how it is dude  
TG: you want a divorce  
EB: oh my god.  
TG: am i not pretty enough now egbert  
TG: have you found someone younger and better in bed than me  
TG: am i that useless to you? that you could just throw away all that we were together  
EB: dave what the heck?  
TG: no dont speak  
TG: only feelings now  
EB: what even is this?  
TG: this is the most dramatic crap you will ever partake in  
TG: screw killing imps and leveling up. this shit takes the goddamn cake  
TG: it takes the cake and runs like a motherfucker  
TG: by the time leveling and killing imps has caught up that cake is long gone  
EB: ...  
EB: i am so confused right now.  
TG: its ok bro  
TG: its not your fault that youll never get the cake  
TG: some people are just destined to run after it and never receive a slice  
TG: striders, on the other hand, are chowing down on that motherfucker  
TG: its like knights of the round table up in this shit  
TG: yo lancelot scoot over and try some of this icing  
EB: sometimes i honestly question whether or not you are mentally capable of helping this team save the universe.  
TG: woah dude shots fired  
TG: canons launched  
TG: that hurt, egbert. right in my manly feelings  
EB: dave.  
TG: what  
EB: you don't have manly feelings.  
TG: oh wow john, think before you speak would you  
TG: that shit is cyberbullying right there  
TG: i could report you online and get you thrown in jail  
TG: and when you call me to get your ass hauled out of there ill be like 'yo whos the man now bitch' and hang up  
EB: wow, aren't you just the best friend ever?  
TG: hell yes i am  
TG: and i could be more if you wanted  
EB: ?  
EB: excuse me?  
EB: what d'you mean, "more than a best friend"?  
EB: are you implying what i think you're implying?  
TG: if what you think im implying is your 'get out of free jail card' then yeah i am  
EB: oh.  
EB: yeah, okay.  
TG: was that not what you thought i was implying?  
EB: no?  
EB: i mean yes!  
EB: yes, definitely.   
TG: now its my turn to question if youre mentally capable of helping this team save the universe  
EB: oh, shut up dave.  
TG: nah dude  
TG: i wont shut up until you tell me why youve been acting weird lately  
TG: usually you love my ironic humor but now its like youre done with everyones shit  
TG: whats on your mind johnny-boy  
TG: and more importantly: how can this strider help  
EB: you can't.  
TG: ...excuse me?  
EB: you can't help, dave. i'm sorry.  
TG: well how do you know that i cant  
TG: what if i could be the savior to all your worries and am just waiting on your word to strike down every anxiety that plagues you  
TG: what if im your knight in shining armor  
EB: you're not, dave. not this time.  
EB: there is no way you'd be able to fix this stuff, even if i told you.  
TG: but you cant know that, can you?  
EB: ...  
TG: come on, bro. just tell me and i promise not only will i not judge but i will not crack a sick ironic joke about it  
TG: and thats a lot coming from me  
EB: .....  
TG: please, john? your my best bro and i love you  
EB: shit dave please don't say that.  
TG: say what  
EB: "i love you"!  
TG: ...why not?  
EB: because i hate it when people lie.  
TG: wait  
TG: are you not only calling me a liar, but saying that i dont love my best friend?  
EB: no! i know you really like me but...  
EB: it'll never be love, dave. admit it.  
TG: ...  
EB: go on! just say it!  
EB: i can handle it! just tell me it isn't love and get it over with!  
TG: john...  
EB: please, dave? will you do this for me?  
TG: goddamn it, john  
EB: i'm sorry that i'm making you go through this, okay? but if you can please just tell me you'll never love me, then we can pretend like nothing ever happened between us, alright? like this conversation never even existed.  
TG: i lied  
EB: what?  
TG: i lied when i said striders are always getting the cake  
EB: dave, what are you talking about?  
TG: honestly, striders rarely ever get what they want; cake or not  
TG: at least, they dont without having to fight for it  
TG: and holy shit john, dont you ever say that i havent fought for you, okay?  
EB: ...  
TG: i have fought day and night with the worst enemy mankind could ever come up with  
TG: myself  
TG: and doing so only made me come to one conclusion  
TG: i am so hopelessly, despairingly, entirely, and desperately in love with you  
TG: and honestly i couldnt care less if this sounds cheesy as shit right now  
TG: hell, i wouldnt be surprised if at this very moment you are spreading this conversation over a good packet of kraft dinner just because its so incredibly cheesy  
TG: but just listen to me before you cook this conversation and throw it out the window  
TG: i love you  
TG: i love you in way more than a bro way, and if you ever say that i dont again you can trust i wont take it lightly  
TG: this shit right here that youre reading?  
TG: this shit is absolutely goddamn true. 100% money back guaranteed if you dont believe me  
TG: and fuck, i know that im probably flooding you with messages...  
TG: i hope you like the color red because thats all your screen is going to be by the end of this  
EB: ...  
EB: dave...  
TG: yeah?  
EB: i think red is my new favorite color.  
TG: oh my god john  
TG: youre making it real hard for me to keep a straight face  
EB: then don't.  
TG: dont what  
EB: don't keep a straight face.  
EB: smile, laugh, cry - whatever! just be yourself.  
EB: i don't love you because of your poker-face, dave.  
EB: i love you because you're you.  
TG: oh man hold up  
TG: let me get a grater for all this cheese  
EB: oh my god dave, you're such a dork.  
EB: <3  
TG: oh shit are we already doing heart emojis  
TG: wow first 'i love you's and now those  
TG: dont you think were moving a bit fast, john  
EB: how is it that one moment you're all sentimental and next you're all strider again?   
TG: what can i say  
TG: i was born this way  
EB: nice one. :B  
TG: nah but in all seriousness  
TG: cheese aside  
TG: john egbert, will you be my boyfriend  
EB: ...  
EB: you know you could've used a question mark at the end of that sentence.  
TG: are you fucking kidding me  
EB: it would've been a nice touch, dave.  
EB: proper grammar use during the day we get together might've been a bit nice.  
TG: so is that a yes or am i getting turned down because you have some sort of grammar fetish  
EB: it's a yes. but like i said: do try to use proper etiquette if you ever ask someone out again.  
TG: dont worry about it  
TG: i think youll be the last  
TG: <3  
EB: wow dave. smooth.  
TG: fuck yes! i nailed that goddamn heart emoji  
TG: are you swooning yet or what  
EB: yeah, i'm swooning like crazy here.  
EB: catch me, virtual dave.  
TG: ill always be there to catch you  
TG: <3  
EB: oh my god.  
TG: youre my god, john  
TG: <3  
EB: dave stop.  
TG: my love will never stop  
TG: <3  
EB: you're crazy.  
TG: crazy in love with you  
TG: <3  
EB: what do you want from me?  
TG: everything and nothing, my love  
TG: <3  
EB: holy crap dave, is this even ironic anymore?  
TG: yeah i guess you have a point  
TG: i should probably stop before those hearts get permanently implemented in my brain  
EB: wise decision.  
TG: but that still doesnt mean i dont love you  
EB: i know, dave.  
EB: i love you, too.  
TG: oh shit john  
EB: what now?  
TG: i feel something coming up  
EB: ?  
TG: oh god  
TG: john help i cant stop it  
EB: what is it?  
TG: i-i think its a  
TG: i think its a -  
TG: <3  
EB: oh my god i am so done.  
TG: you still love me though  
TG: admit it  
EB: sadly, yes i do. but that still doesnt mean that i have to put up with this!  
TG: dont leave me my love  
EB: i'm going, dave. this chat is long enough.  
TG: ok fine just promise me one thing  
EB: what?  
TG: dont tell rose or jade that i cracked a cheese pun  
EB: this is why i love you.  
TG: love you too  
EB: bye dave.  
TG: talk to you later, john  
EB: oh and one more thing...  
TG: yeah?  
EB: <3  


\--ectoBiologist [EB]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 17:35 -- 


End file.
